Monday, December 12, 2011

Still uncertain...but the view sure is better!

December 12th, 2011

Sorry I didn't update here sooner after our appointment. I'll try my best to explain how the appointment went. After joking about me wanting to give him gray hair, our OB discussed everything in depth with us.

First, he confirmed that I did have Vasa Previa with my last pregnancy. HOLY CRAP what a blessing it was that he diagnosed it before it was too late. The past week, I've been reading more about the condition and it chills me to know that it has an almost 100% mortality rate because it usually goes undetected until it's too late. Asher is truly a miracle, no doubt about that! Thankfully, the likelihood of Vasa Previa repeating in another pregnancy is almost unheard of.

We then talked a lot about if we should or should not try again. He stated that I would obviously be high-risk and be monitored in the same way I was with my pregnancy with Asher but that there is no reason medically to tell us not to. He said that the things that have happened during our past pregnancies are unlikely to happen again. That's not saying something bad won't happen...every pregnancy poses risks. But he said that he wouldn't be surprised at all if our next pregnancy went off without a bumps at all! That is encouraging and just what I needed to hear in my process of moving forward. All women take a risk when getting pregnant...and for us, it's no different.

So, we got our doctors' blessings, so to speak, and it is in our hands. It is our decision. Obviously, it will be worrisome and stressful just like it was last time, even before any complications arose. We have to decide if we want to go through the benefits outweigh the worries and risks? Do I want to chance being on bedrest, hospitalization, premature birth and NICU time....does having another bundle of joy and a sibling for Asher make all of that worthwhile? It's hard choice, not one we will take lightly. I just know that whatever decision we make, we have to put it in God's control and know that He will take care of us!

So I be continued

Sunday, December 4, 2011


December 4th, 2011

Tomorrow is a big day. It could be a great, big day or it could be a disappointing, big day. I'm nervous, excited, and definitely apprehensive. Tomorrow could set the path to our future; yes, it's THAT big! We are dropping off our little munchkin at grandma's in the morning and heading to Fargo for an appointment with my OB to discuss what happened during my pregnancy with Asher and what the outlook might be for any future pregnancies. Obviously, no matter what the case, I will always be in the "high risk" category. But I'm worried my doctor will voice some strong concerns which will just confirm my already extreme caution with preceding in having any more children. I'm hoping, however, that he will ease those fears and walk us through a plan that may give us a better outcome for my pregnancies. I'm hoping he gives us options and advice on how to proceed rather than halt my dreams for a biological sibling for Asher. Either way, the appointment is a big one. Please send prayers our way. I know God is in control and He will see us through this!

On a completely different note, I need to have a mommy brag for a moment! Asher is just so smart, he amazes me! Today we were playing with his "first words" flash cards he got as a birthday gift. I put the baby, puppy, kitty, tractor, truck, car and ball cards in front of him. Then, I went through each one asking him "Where is the _____?" and he picked each one out, all on his own, and got them all right on his first try! I wasn't surprised because I know he's smart, but I was so proud! That's my boy...momma loves you my little smartie pants!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


November 15th, 2011

Asher is 1 year old today! It hardly seems possible that he has already had his first birthday. You think time flies before you have kids, it really goes once you have a little one! What an amazing year it has been. I can't put into words how much joy and love Asher has brought into my life. He is truly the most precious little thing I have ever laid eyes on. I can't imagine life without him!

One year ago today, I heard the most beautiful sound a person will ever hear....the sound of a newborn crying after his birth! I've been dreaming of that sound for years and I finally got that moment. I got to see his gorgeous little face for only a minute before he was taken to the NICU but that site is still fresh in my mind. And holding him for the first time, one of my proudest moments! He was and is just perfect and I couldn't be a happier mommy!

Thinking of all the obstacles he had to overcome the first few weeks in life, it's hard to believe what a little man he has become! All the of things he's learned and how much he's grown, it's a miracle and a blessing!

This morning, one year later, Asher woke up right around his birth time! I looked at the clock when Danny went into his room to pick him up and bring him to our was 7:49 am (he was born at 7:48 am.) We all three laid in bed and Danny and I sang happy birthday to him. He looked at us like we were weirdos at first but then he smiled! We finally got up and looked had snowed!! Asher was pretty intrigued by the snowflakes softly falling outside. Daddy brought some snow in so that he could have his first feel of it. It went straight in his mouth haha! After his late morning nap, we went to town for his 1 year pictures at the Loft. We had so much fun and Asher loved showing off! I think his favorite part was eating MORE cake. I can't wait to see them. Waiting 3 weeks is going to be torture but I know it will be worth it. After pictures we headed home and Asher took a long must have wore him out. When he woke up, we just played the rest of the day and evening...just enjoying our little son! When I put him to bed tonight, I had to give him an extra little squeeze and kiss. He just means so much to me, I love him so very much! I thank God every day for allowing us to have such an amazing little person in our did we ever get so lucky!?!

Happy 1st birthday Asher are my shining star and I love you to pieces!!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fall fun!

November 8th, 2011

My oh my have I been slacking in the blogging world....guess I've just been busy! It's true, we've been busy having fun this fall. Up until a few days ago, the weather has been fantastic so we've been trying to take advantage of being outside because soon, that awful white stuff is going to take over and being outside isn't going to be much fun anymore.

Asher started walking at then end of September and he hasn't slowed since. At first, it was just a few wobbly steps and now, he's practically running! It's hard to believe that my little baby boy is growing up so fast. It is so fun to watch him grow and learn. He can point to tractors, trucks, puppies, kitties, chickens and the sun in books now. How can such a small little person be so smart? It's amazing!

A couple of weekends ago we celebrated my niece, Gianna's, 6th birthday. Asher had so much fun playing with all of the kids. It is so fun being close to home now to be able to watch my nieces and nephews grow up and Asher loves being around them! Then, it was his first Halloween. Asher was a little monster...cute as can be! I was worried he would fight being in his costume but he didn't put up a stink at all. I think he thought it was fun. Of course he got some halloween treats (most of which will be eaten by mommy and daddy!)He loved grandma's sugar cookies though...I think this boy may have a sweet tooth already.

In one week, Asher will turn one year old! It hardly seems possible that my teeny, tiny little newborn is already a 1 year old toddler. Where did the time go? Exactly one year ago today, I went in for an ultrasound and was admitted to the hospital immediately due to some complications. I was so worried about my little boy and just prayed that he would be okay. I was hooked up to a monitor and got to listen to that strong little heartbeat 24 hours a day. I got quite used to falling asleep to that beautiful sound. I was there for a week before Asher made his appearance. We were hoping he would stay put for a few more weeks but he had other plans. I can't believe it's already been a year ago. The past year has been amazing, the best I've had! Asher has brought such joy to our lives and I cannot explain how blessed I feel to have him here!

On Sunday, November 13th, we will have family here at the farm to celebrate Asher's 1st birthday. I am soooo excited to get to celebrate such an amazing day! After years of feeling sadness on Gabriel's birthday, it will be a nice change to have a birthday that is filled with joy! I can't wait :D

Friday, September 23, 2011

Quick update post since it's been awhile....

September 23rd, 2011

Asher is 10 months old! Less than 2 months now until his 1st birthday. It is unbelievable how fast time flies.

He is working on teeth numbers 3, 4 and 5 right now. The top front two and his right bottom eye tooth are coming in and boy oh boy is he a crab apple!

We have fun playing So Big, Peek-a-boo, and giving high fives :)

And I don't think it will be long before Asher starts walking. He's climbs up on everything and shimmies his way around furniture. And just the past couple of days he's been letting go and trying to take steps. He usually only gets about one step away without falling...but he's trying! I don't think I'm ready for this haha.


Saturday, August 27, 2011


August 27th, 2011

Yesterday I had a stressful day. It wasn't anything overly hectic, just lots of little things that added up. Worst part of it all, my dishwasher is broken. UGH! Hand washing dishes is soooo not fun and not easy with a little rugrat demanding my attention. Anyway, this post isn't really about my mildly stressful day's about something bigger. Something that I think a day like yesterday made me realize.

The past 6 years, Danny and I have had more stress than any early to mid twenties person should have. It's been constant, starting with the unthinkable death of a great friend/brother in October of 2005. Then came preparing for an unexpected baby and then losing him in June 2006. After planning a funeral that no one should ever have to plan, we started planning a wedding and then made a move to Fargo for my hellish internship. I don't regret moving to Fargo because I met some wonderful people through my schooling and my job in Breckenridge, but Fargo itself stressed me out! And finally the complicated, worrisome pregnancy and scary birth of Asher tops the cake. And there were other things going on that I haven't even mentioned here, like normal everyday worries. The immense stress felt continual for years. I don't think I ever had a chance to really seriously consider it and take it all in.

Now that life is finally stable, steady and has slowed down a little bit on the crazy train.....I feel like all of that stress that has just been building up and pushing me along has come to a halt and is finally just resting on my shoulders. During the day when I'm with Asher, I don't notice it at all. He keeps me busy and entertained. But when he goes to bed and it's quiet, I just feel like curling up in bed and crying. I'm not sure why. I'm not unhappy, I love my life. I love my husband, my son, my family, our new home...everything. But when I'm alone, I feel it...I feel very lonely. I feel like no one understands where I've been and where I'm going. I feel distanced from some people that I care about and I'm not sure if I am the one who has distanced myself or if these people have distanced themselves from me after the last few years. I know I've changed. I'm definitely not the same person I was before I got pregnant with and lost Gabriel. And I've even changed more since having Asher. I think I've accepted that I will never get over Gabriel's death and that I will never be the same person I was before it happened. And now that I have Asher, he is my #1 priority. That's how it's supposed to be and that's okay. But can other people accept that? Or have they and I'm just blind to it? I can't reach out because I don't know how. I feel like no one understands me.

I just hope that the mountain of years of stress that has piled on top of me starts to lift and I can breathe again when I'm alone. It's a sad place to be and I hate being in that dark place. I want to find peace within myself. I need to climb out from under all of this. Help!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Oh beautiful, crazy son of mine!

August 24th, 2011

I must start by saying that I feel so so very blessed to have Asher in my life. He brightens my day and I don't know what I would do without him. This is just a taste of a day in the life of Asher and mommy. Lets start with the morning. At 7:00 a.m. I wake up to this sweet little boy standing in his crib, waiting for me to come pick him up, his beautiful face smiling ear to ear when I finally enter his room. I change his diaper and feed him his morning bottle. Then, we plop down on the floor and watch some Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and I have my morning cup of coffee. Asher's favorite part is the Hot Dog dance for which he drops anything he's doing to stare intently at the screen. I'm sure it won't be long before he starts dancing right along. Then, we play with toys for awhile until he starts to get sleepy. I know when it's time for his morning nap just from the look in his eyes. I rock him and hum his favorite tune and before long, he's dozing off in my arms. I lay him down in his crib and go try to get a few things done while he's asleep (aka, eat breakfast, feed the cats, play with the dogs...ya know, the important things.)

About an hour later, I hear some rustling coming from the back room and sure enough, my little pumpkin is awake, playing with his blanket! I walk in and ask "what are you doing silly?" which is returned by a huge grin and squeal! We go to the kitchen and I strap him into his highchair. It's time for some food which usually turns into a huge mess. Today, Asher got his first taste of homemade pizza...he loved it! For dessert, some bananas. We are just learning how to use a sippy cup which he is doing remarkably well with actually. Now it's time to change another diaper and get dressed for the day. This has become quite the process since Asher has started to move. It usually goes something like this....lay him down and take off his dirty diaper. He rolls over and crawls away mid-wipe. I grab him and lay him back down, finish wiping him and get one side of the new diaper snapped...he rolls over and crawls away. I grab him again and finish the other side of the diaper in an awkward position because he won't lay back down. He squirms away while I'm reaching for his clothes. I go get him and fight to get his shirt on. I try to lay him back down to put on his shorts but he won't have any of again, we put his shorts on in a very awkward fashion, but it works, he's dressed!

Ready for the day we go outside with Lucy and Pearl. Asher goes for a stroller ride around the yard. We go look at the garden and the apple trees. Then we pick a nice shady spot and take a seat. The dogs play with each other and Asher reaches for the wheels of the stoller. He will play with anything that has wheels. After he gets bored with that, he starts pulling grass and trying to eat it. I tell him NO several times and try to distract him with his toys. He stops, looks up at me, hand full of grass, smiles and tries to eat it anyway. This carries on for a good 20-30 mins. Yesterday, he got a piece of grass up his nose. He didn't know what to think. He rubbed his nose and sneezed (and then laughed because he always laughs after he sneezes.) Then we go to get the mail!

We go inside and I try to find something to eat for lunch. Of course, Asher can't be left out when someone is eating so he has a snack while I eat. Then, we play on the floor. By play I mean, he crawls all over, usually to the dogs' dishes and I follow him around, intercepting things that he shouldn't be playing with. After awhile, I see him getting sleepy again so I make a bottle and he takes his afternoon nap. When he wakes up we usually play for awhile, go outside or sometimes even go visit daddy out in the field or grandma at her house. If we're driving, he usually does his screaming thing...which isn't a cry-like scream but more of a "I just do this because I like to hear my own voice" type of deal. It sounds cute, but really, it's not after awhile! After supper, it's bathtime. Asher looooooooves his bath. He gets so excited when he sees me start the water to fill up the tub. His new favorite thing is to try and stand up in the tub, which is a little scary. Hard surface + slippery does not equal something nice. Last night, I was adding a little more warm water and he was trying to grab it as it was coming from the faucet. Both hands were go go going and he just could not figure out why he couldn't get ahold of it. It was adorable, I wish I would have had a video camera.

When we're all done, I wrap him up in a snuggly towel and he always smiles at himself when we walk past the mirror. You can almost imagine what it's like trying to get him dressed into his jammies after his bath...nearly impossible so he usually goes on with his evening naked for awhile. If I'm lucky, I will get a diaper on him. After playing tractors or building blocks (I build, he destroys), around 8:00 p.m. it's time to get ready for bed. I can tell because he starts getting fussy and clingy. He gets a fresh diaper, I somehow get his jammies on, and we grab his bottle and head for his room (yes, I still hold him and rock him to sleep...I cherish the snuggle time.) Most nights, he goes right to sleep after the bottle is all gone but sometimes he is restless and doesn't want to give in. He plays with my face, pulls my hair, giggles and smiles, and squirms to get free. I try so hard to keep a straight face but I just can't. He's just too damn cute and I usually giggle right along with him. Finally, his eyes get droopy and his head slowly starts to hang and rest on my shoulder. I kiss his little bald head and whisper I love you in his ear before putting him down and leaving the room. My little monkey is down for the night. I always check on him before heading to bed myself but usually I don't hear a peep from him again until 7:00 a.m. when the next beautiful, wonderful day starts! Of course, every day is a little different and Asher surprises me daily with the new things he learns and I cherish each and every moment. I wanted to write down what a day with him is like at this stage for my own reference because I know it's going to be over soon and he will just keep growing growing growing (which is awesome!) and I can't wait to experience each age! The moral of the story is..........Asher rocks! :)

Friday, August 19, 2011

Adding to the internal struggle with myself

August 19th, 2011

Family of five. That's what I always pictured having growing up, just like my family. I thought it was perfect and I never in my wildest dreams expected my life to go as it has. It never crossed my mind that my first born child would pass away and leave me with empty arms. There were no thoughts about pregnancy complications, premature births, and Neo-natal intensive care units. I thought I would get married, have three kids, and that was that. It's funny how naive you are when you are young and have no life experience. Even though it hurts, you expect that you will someday bury your grandparents and eventually, your own parents but you never imagine burying your child. Our son Gabriel lies in the ground, north of a tiny town called Harlow, on a hill where it's cold and windy most of the time. There are no words to describe the anguish I feel thinking about it. The thought of it still takes my breath away. Now, we have our second son, Asher! Our beautiful little miracle means more to me than I can ever express but he didn't come easily either. After a stressful pregnancy tormented by complications, he was born nearly 6 weeks early and spent his first 27 days in the hospital, withstanding numerous painful tests and hooked up to IVs and monitors. It killed me to see him go through those things, it brings tears to my eyes when I think of it.

So now, I have come to a very difficult fork in the road. There are two main paths and they both have potential hazardous and heart-wrenching obstacles. This is my internal struggle. If we decide to take the path of stopping now, after two very difficult pregnancies, I end up short of my dream and Asher grows up as an only child. Of course there are other options, such as adoption, but I just cannot imagine never being pregnant again. It breaks my heart thinking of never again having that excitement of seeing a positive pregnancy test, never again hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time, never again feeling the baby move and watch my belly grow and grow! I don't know if I can accept that. Being pregnant (both times) were some of the happiest times of my life! The anticipation and love I felt, it's indescribable! But this path leads to a safe place. A place where I know everything is going to be okay. I have my husband and I have my perfect little boy...they are my everything, so why doesn't it feel like we are complete?

But there are so many "what ifs" if we decide venture on to have another baby. I have Asher to think about now. What if I end up on bedrest for months? What if the baby ends up in the hospital for months? Is that fair to it fair to put him through that just because I want another baby? And what about the baby. What if the baby is born early or has complications? Is that fair to him/her? I'm scared to try again. I'm scared to ruin the perfect little life we have now. But I'm scared that I will regret not trying again for the rest of my life. How do you make a decision like do you find the right answer? Is there even a right answer? I don't know, I struggle with this continually. I guess all I can do is leave it in God's hands and hope that He shines His light down the right path for our family. Right now, I know I need to focus on my amazing little son. He astounds me daily and I love him more than life. I am so grateful to have such a profound little human with me every day to brighten up my world. I love Asher and I hope that no matter what choice is made, he will always love us too and will never feel upset, abandoned, or unloved.

Okay okay, enough of my whine-fest....speaking of adding to our family, we got a new puppy. We wanted Asher to have a "best friend" to grow up with so we got a little Golden Retriever puppy last Sunday. She is 7 weeks old (almost 8) and is the cutest little thing. We had a hard time naming her so we let Asher pick a name from our ideas out of a hat and he picked Pearl! It fits perfectly. Hopefully they will be best buds. I know I always loved having animals on the farm. A loving pet can add so much to a family....we already know that from our sweet little Lucy!

Asher and Pearl

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Pictures as promised! :)

July 21st, 2011

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Big Updates!

July 9th, 2011

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. We've been a very very busy bunch this past month! So what is it that we've been up to? We finally got to move into our new home and we couldn't be happier! To have our own space is priceless and the room we have's just amazing. We closed on June 10th and started moving in on June 11th. One of the very first things we did after moving in was get rid of the floral wallpaper that engulfed the entire dining room and kitchen. Then, we painted. I finally have my green kitchen that I've always wanted. When we got married 4 years ago we registered for "kitchen gifts" with a green kitchen in mind and now, we finally have it! So exciting. Now we just need a dining room table and chairs. The living room has been painted and halfway decorated. I'm still waiting for Asher's 6 month pictures to come in so I have more fun photos to hang on our lovely walls.

One of the most exciting things for me though is finally getting to make a nursery for my baby! I've been dreaming of doing that for years....and now, it's happening. I am having so much fun with Asher's room. I hope he loves it as much as I do! I can't wait to watch him grow up here. We have so much room here for him to grow, run and play. Hopefully he enjoys and appreciates growing up in the country as much as Danny and I did.

And speaking of him growing up....HE FINALLY GOT TWO TEETH! (applause) I feel like my poor little hunny has been teething for months and months and now his hard work has paid off. He looks so cute with his two little toothies...but it makes me a little sad knowing how fast he is growing. Don't get me wrong, I am so so happy that he is growing and thriving! He is doing so well. He is SO busy! I am exhausted every day by 8:00 pm. He go go goes every second he's awake. He's not crawling yet but he wants to be walking all the time (by walking I mean, holding your hands for help.) There is never a dull moment. I love it!

Danny and I also celebrated our 4 year anniversary on June 23rd. We didn't really get to celebrate this year though. On our anniversary (which was a thursday I think), we planted a garden and then that weekend we were off to Fargo for a friends' wedding. It was all good fun but hopefully he and I can get a night out together to properly celebrate soon!!

A sad update I unfortunately have is a close family friends' passing. Karen Anderson, an amazing, talented, caring, and Godly woman recently lost her courageous battle with cancer and went to be with Jesus. She leaves behind a husband, 5 wonderful children, and two adorable grand babies. At her funeral, her beautiful daughters attested to what an incredible mother and person she was. It was heartbreaking to see them mourning the loss of their beloved mom...but it was inspiring and I know that Karen would have been so proud of them! She will be missed by so many but I know she is in Heaven with her God which is where we all belong! ((HUGS)) to the family.

Lastly, a mention to an exciting weekend coming up. Next weekend, July 16th and 17th, we have a big family reunion out at the farm. It's going to be so much fun to see all of my relatives and I can't wait. There is also a "party" going on in my hometown which we might make an appearance at. It will be fun to see friends and catch up.

Well, I'm off to's way past my bedtime. I promise to come back and post a few pictures of the house and the teeth as soon as I get a chance. Goodnight!

God is good!

Friday, June 3, 2011


June 3rd, 2011

Five years ago today we said goodbye to our first born son before we even got to say hello.

It was a Thursday when I found out. It was June 1st and I was heading for my prenatal appointment, thinking it would be just like any other prenatal appointment I had previously went to. There wasn't a thought in my mind that anything would or could be wrong. I would see the doctor, I would get to hear the baby's heartbeat and I would be on my merry way. I was oblivious. I took the idea that I was going to have a baby in July and raise it to adulthood for granted. I took my baby for granted, as most everyone does during pregnancy, it's human nature...

When the doctor didn't find the baby's heartbeat, I was floored. He had such an easy time finding it at my previous appointments. What on earth is going on?! I was sent for an ultrasound which confirmed my worst fears! My baby had passed away. It took just one small moment to shatter my life. All of my dreams for the future, everything I was looking forward to for the rest of my days crumbled in front of me. I was left with nothing....nothing but a lifeless baby inside of my womb and a dark and empty heart! I cried. There was nothing I could do. I felt numb, I felt hopeless, I felt angry and sad and confused. And all I could do was cry....

I was sent home that night with the plan to come in the next morning to deliver my first born, 7 weeks early, and not living. Thinking back on it, I still can't grasp the emotion of having to deliver a lifeless child. Knowing that once the baby came out, we wouldn't get to take it home to love and raise. I wasn't ready to go through labor and to deliver a baby. I hadn't prepared myself for it yet. This wasn't supposed to be happening for almost 2 months. I was stricken with such grief...I couldn't sleep. I prayed for this to be a nightmare, that I would wake up and everything would be okay. By the next morning I was already exhausted emotionally.

We went to Grand Forks were I was given a room and met my doctor. I was still in denial, I didn't want to believe that my baby was gone. We had another ultrasound in GF done just for closure sake. We also met with a bereavement lady. Her name was Toni. I remember her well. She gave me books and brochures, poems and stories, and a teddy bear...all meant to help but at the time, it didn't. I was induced and went through labor just like anyone else would. I had strong contractions and a lot of back labor which was agonizing. But nothing was as painful as the realization that I wouldn't be giving birth to a living baby. By the time I was supposed to push, I was so physically and emotionally drained that most everything was a blur. I do remember it being painful but that as soon as the baby was out, my body relaxed. I remember the doctor telling us that we had a baby boy. My son. My beautiful little son. I knew in my heart all along that he was a boy...and I loved him. I held him close to me and cried, wishing that God would change his mind and my tiny son would cry out. I looked at his perfect face, his bitty little hands and feet, he was a perfect angel. I don't know how long I held him but I know I didn't want to ever let him go. I don't know how I ever did...I must have been too tired to hold him any longer. And then he was gone.

They did an autopsy which proved that he was perfectly healthy. He didn't have any birth defects or congenital problems. There was no reason he should have died. I had a hard time accepting it. There are still times, five years later that I still struggle with it. They say that time heals pain and it is true, the acute pain rarely comes around (except for days like today). But there is always an ache in my heart. There hasn't been one day since he left us that I haven't thought about him. Not one.

Gabriel Hermanson, my little peanut, my first born son; you will always have a huge place in my heart. I miss you every day. Because of you, I have learned to not take life for granted. You are the reason I can cherish every moment with Asher. Asher Mitchell is my rainbow baby, my something beautiful after the storm. I would not be the mother I am today if it weren't for you. You taught me life's greatest lessons, to live each day with no regrets and to live in the moment! You are beautiful and perfect. I wish with every ounce of my being that I could know you, that I could see your precious little face and hear your enchanting little laugh. But I am thankful that you are my son and I wouldn't change it for anything. I love you. Happy 5th birthday my angel!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


May 25th, 2011

Yes, I'm guilty! I'm guilty of being a bit of a debbie downer lately which is unlike me because I usually try to be happy and optimistic in my life. I really dislike negative energy and it bugs me that I have been feeling so unhappy lately. I think it's a combination of things. Not having my own space is a BIG one! I am so anxious to get into our house...I love my parents but I just can't live with them much longer. I need some organization and structure in my life. Right now I don't feel like I have any. I've also been very worried about some things with Asher. Being stressed out over his health is wearing me down. I love him so much and I just want everything to be perfect for him! I think one of the most annoying things to me though is that I see so many people with such nasty attitudes, it's weighing heavily on my own spirit. I constantly see people complaining about such insignificant things and it upsets me! I have always tried to not let other people's pessimistic ways bring me down, but lately I've had a hard time avoiding it. I have sooooo much to be thankful for and I know that happiness is in there somewhere...I just need to dig it out and let it shine again!

Here are some great things that I've had going on in my life. I got to actually CELEBRATE Mother's Day this year! My first Mother's Day with Asher was very special. The past few years have been very difficult but this year, I had a chance to rejoice and celebrate my mommy-hood! Another big thing that happened lately is that my little monkey turned 6 months old! Asher is such a blessing in my life. He means the world to me and to watch him grow and change every day is a miracle. He is an amazing little man with so much personality...he means everything to me and I cannot believe that a half a year has already passed! He is learning to sit on his own which is so much fun. He loves to be outside and watch the animals. He continues to giggle and smile constantly which makes my heart melt. He's really started to love his food and his messy faces make me smile! He is a beautiful, wonderful person and I'm excited for his future! I know I've said it a million times, but I just want him to be happy!

One thing we've been struggling with is his right leg. He hadn't been using it much and didn't want to bear weight or straighten it. We took him in for bloodwork and an MRI and it seems that he had some fluid around his hip. The pediatrician and the orthopedic specialist both seem to think he will be okay but we are following up in a couple of weeks to see how things are improving. He does seem to be doing much better the past week and has been using his leg much more. YAY Asher! He is such a trooper and I am so proud of him!

Our upcoming adventures include professional pictures on June 8th, a wedding in Fargo on June 25th, a family reunion and hometown celebration in July! Honestly, every day with my little guy is an experience and I'm loving every moment. Hopefully next time I post, we will be starting a new adventure in our OWN home!!!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


May 4th, 2011

I need to vent....what better place to do that right? If you are a person who is easily offended, you may not want to read this. There, that's my disclaimer. Read at your own will!

Children are beautiful. Children are innocent. Children deserve the best. They deserve YOUR best! I know that issues have been around forever but I guess since my generation is having kids now, my eyes have been opened. There are so many fucked up things going on and I don't understand how parents can behave the way they do (excuse my language!) This isn't just things I see on the news; these are things I see going on around me. People I know.

When you have a child, you can no longer be selfish. If you smoke and drink before getting pregnant, it is YOUR responsibility to quit, FULL STOP. It's a very selfish and disgusting thing to take your own child's health for granted. I cannot and will not respect a person as a parent who cannot put aside their selfish desires and do what is best for the sake of their child. Sure, you may get lucky and your child may turn out just fine. But it's a risk and it's not one that you should be willing to take. Would you shove a lit cigarette in your newborns' mouth or fill their bottle with booze? I doubt it. Well, when you're pregnant, your baby is consuming what you do. It's the same thing and it's revolting. I hear the "well my mom smoked while she was pregnant and I turned out okay" excuse and let me tell you, NO YOU DIDN'T. 30 years ago they didn't know the bad affects it had. Now everyone knows! If you are stupid enough to do this when knowing how bad it obviously didn't turn out okay. Try again!

So, you wanted kids but now you are feeling tied down? You think you deserve to go out partying every weekend? Think again. You brought these children into the world. They are YOUR responsibility. I have absolutely no problem with parents going out on special occasions or having date nights. But the constant partying, drinking, sleeping around, are an adult. You are a parent. You gave up your right to be completely irresponsible when you had kids. Grow up! Take responsibility. Spend quality time with your kids, every day! I must say, when I see a facebook status from a parent that says "Had a great time tonight with my kids" it makes me sick. Don't be proud that you spent a night with your kids. That's your job. It's not something to be patted on the back for. You should be having those nights every night. Kids need stability. Again, grow up!

Let's not even get started on the people who cannot financially or emotionally support the children they already have but decide to have more. If you are living off of the government and don't have a job, please don't have anymore kids. It's so unfair and irresponsible. Or how about the people who use their kids for arguments with their spouse? What a crock of shit. You should never fight in front of your kids and even more important, do not use them as ammunition! And worst of all, something I can barely even talk about is abuse. If you cannot control your temper and resort to hitting, pushing, shaking, or any other physical assault....aghhh, I can't even go there! No child deserves to be abused and neglected. It breaks my heart!

I admit that I am definitely an overly emotional person and I'm also very sensitive when it comes to this topic because of things that I've been through. Having to visit my first born's grave site rather than see his beautiful face every day and then having my second born with risky complications during pregnancy and a scary NICU stay, you can probably understand why I am so passionate about this. Also, I will be the first to say that I am by no means a perfect parent. I make mistakes constantly and I am learning every day. But the things above are common sense. These aren't every day, ordinary mistakes. If you chose to be a parent, than BE ONE! Your child deserves the best you can give. Put aside your selfish ways and give them your best you!

Rant over.

Monday, May 2, 2011


May 2nd, 2011

Scary! That's the only word I see fit for describing this world we live in. I suppose frightening, alarming, terrifying, or grim would work too. The dawn broke with the news that an awful terrorist had been killed and the world erupted in cheers. Yes, it's great that this horrid man is no longer alive to carry out his evil works but this is not the end. For all of the people who are out celebrating in the streets, marking today as a triumphant day...know that there will be more bloodshed and more tragedy. This is the end of a life, not the end of the war. I will not celebrate until there is no more war. I fear the retaliation. These people are terrorists. Extremists. They are brainwashed. It's scary! I'm afraid for our troops, I'm afraid for our country, I'm afraid for our world. This is not the end. There is so much hate in this world. Until there is no more hate, there will be no peace.

There is already so much suffering without hate. Sickness, accidents, natural disasters....all of these things can be tragic and disheartening. There are children who are dying from hunger and sickness. People are losing their homes, their livelihoods, and their families due to earthquakes, tsunamis, fires, floods and tornadoes. The pain and devastation is tremendous. The things we cannot control are tolling enough on the soul. Why must we add hate? Why must people spread fear and negativity? This world is a scary place. My heart hurts knowing that our children will grow up in such a terrifying time. I don't know what the future holds, but until hate is overcome....the future won't be very bright. It makes me sad and fearful. I can only pray that God will protect us and keep watch over my loved ones. I will pray for our troops, our president, our country, our world, and yes, I will pray for our enemies. May the world find peace and end the hate!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Spring has sprung!

April 12th, 2011

Oh how nice it is to see the sun, the birds chirping, black dirt in the fields and water....oooooh the water! Okay, so the water part isn't so nice. There is A LOT of it! Yesterday we decided to go for a nice little drive around the countryside and found that many of the roads were drowning. We are still staying at my parents place for now (hopefully not much longer!!!!) and there are only 2 ways out of here. A road to the west and a road to the east. The road to the west is slowly deteriorating from the force of the water and the road to the east looks like a river! Soon, we may be trapped. Hm, that doesn't sound too fun. Anyone want to adopt 2 adults and a baby for a few weeks? ;)

Anyway, besides the overwhelming amount of water there is around here, I'm just so happy to be back. We were in Fargo to move all of our things back last weekend and boy, I don't miss it! What a nutty place. Yuck! Hopefully we will be able to move into our future home soon. Things are really rolling now with that and I can't wait. I miss having our own place. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is removing wallpaper haha. But I am SO excited to be living in the country again. I'm a true country girl at heart.

I don't have any big updates on Asher. Still no teeth but still very much teething! He's also really giggling now which is just the best!!! He loves to watch the puppy Lucy run around and he also loves to watch cousin Gianna sing and dance. I'm really really looking forward to getting outside with him and going for walks. I think my sanity may come back a little once we can get outdoors.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Crashing at grandma's...

March 22nd, 2011

Well, here I am blogging again but I still don't have any super exciting news. Danny, Asher and I are currently crashing at my parent's house because Danny is venturing into the farming business with my family and we don't have a place of our own back here yet. I'm not sure who will be sick of who of my parents or my parents of us. The first few nights Asher was a little uneasy being away from home but he's settled in pretty well. We've quickly learned that no matter where we are, Asher is the boss. He not only keeps his parents on their toes, but his grandparents too! Not to mention all of his belongings have taken over grandma and grandpa's house.

We've been working on figuring out what has been causing his skin problems and just recently, it's finally started to clear up. However, we're not sure what exactly is helping. Is it the cream we are putting on some of the spots? Is it the soy milk that he is now drinking? Or maybe it was a yeast infection and is now clearing up because we have stopped giving him apple juice (which we were using to help him poo).....not sure, but whatever it is, I'm thankful that something is helping!

Well, posted below are a few pictures I took of Asher a few weeks ago. I have a million but I'm obviously not very good at updating my blog so this is what ya get. Maybe next time I write, I will have a picture of a first toothie to post!!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A strange little something..

March 8th, 2011

Today I have a heavy heart for a few reasons I'd rather not actually discuss. It's hard to feel sad about things when I know I am so blessed and have so much to be happy about. I can say wholeheartedly that I am the happiest I've ever been and I have a billion things to be thankful for! But even in our best times, there are things that can bring you down a notch. I don't know what it is about today. Maybe there was something that triggered these feelings but they haven't been here before. I'm not sure how to face them or fix them and I'm a little shocked by my feelings. All I can say is that I feel like there is someone missing that should be in my life in some way and isn't and it hurts me a little. I guess for now I will just send my best wishes and pray for a happy life to a person who I don't even know but has in some strange way, touched my heart.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Soooo Big!

March 6th, 2011

Remember that little tiny baby who was under 5 lbs when he was born? I'm having trouble because at almost 4 months old, he weighs over 13 lbs! Wow is my little pumpkin growing up fast. I'm amazed at how fast we reach a size of clothing and then have to put them away and move on to the next size. Asher is already wearing his 6 month stuff and it fits perfectly. He's got a long back and torso just like his dad so he should be a fun one to find clothes that fit!

Besides growing like a weed, we've been busy the past 2 months. We've been struggling with a skin irritation which the doctor thinks is craddle cap but I think (KNOW) it's eczema. He's got it on his head, face, elbows, shoulders, back, chest, and legs....sounds like fun doesn't it? It's so frustrating and right now we are treating it with some hydrocortisone cream. At first I was against using anything like that, but it seems to be helping so hopefully it goes away and stays away. We also came down with a cold this week. His first sickness since being home from the NICU and me being the worry wort that I am, kinda freaked out. I just hate seeing my baby not feeling well so it's been hard on me. He's eating fine and sleeping pretty well so I don't think it's anything big...but it's still scary. Praying that he heals up quickly and we're back to the happy, sleeping baby we were before he got sick.

Speaking of happy, SLEEPING baby....before Asher got sick, he was sleeping through the night! For 6 nights in a row he would sleep 8-9 hours straight. I must say that mommy was really enjoying that. Now if he will only revert back to that schedule once this sickness hits the road!

Anyway, little man is waking up from his nap (and so is his dad) so I better run. Hopefully next time I update I will have some more exciting news! :)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

2+ months

January 29th, 2011

Life has been busy since Asher came home from the NICU and I haven't had a lot of time to update my blog. I also started work 2 weeks ago so that's been taking up my time as well.

Asher has been doing so well since coming home! He's a big eater and has already doubled in weight. He's almost 11 lbs now. He also has started to smile socially at me, Danny and my mom (who takes care of him during the week when we are both at work.) I love his little smile, it melts my heart! And my favorite thing is that he has started cooing some which is so much fun. I could just sit and talk to him for hours and watch him take everything in and try to talk back. It is so amazing to witness your child learning each day. His little mind is like a sponge. He's come such a long way already!

He loves his bouncer chair but isn't a huge fan of his swing. His favorite thing is to sit in your lap and look around at the world! It's crazy how fast he's growing and how quickly the time goes by. He's not my tiny little pumpkin anymore...but thankfully he's still a snuggler!


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