Friday, August 19, 2011

Adding to the internal struggle with myself

August 19th, 2011

Family of five. That's what I always pictured having growing up, just like my family. I thought it was perfect and I never in my wildest dreams expected my life to go as it has. It never crossed my mind that my first born child would pass away and leave me with empty arms. There were no thoughts about pregnancy complications, premature births, and Neo-natal intensive care units. I thought I would get married, have three kids, and that was that. It's funny how naive you are when you are young and have no life experience. Even though it hurts, you expect that you will someday bury your grandparents and eventually, your own parents but you never imagine burying your child. Our son Gabriel lies in the ground, north of a tiny town called Harlow, on a hill where it's cold and windy most of the time. There are no words to describe the anguish I feel thinking about it. The thought of it still takes my breath away. Now, we have our second son, Asher! Our beautiful little miracle means more to me than I can ever express but he didn't come easily either. After a stressful pregnancy tormented by complications, he was born nearly 6 weeks early and spent his first 27 days in the hospital, withstanding numerous painful tests and hooked up to IVs and monitors. It killed me to see him go through those things, it brings tears to my eyes when I think of it.

So now, I have come to a very difficult fork in the road. There are two main paths and they both have potential hazardous and heart-wrenching obstacles. This is my internal struggle. If we decide to take the path of stopping now, after two very difficult pregnancies, I end up short of my dream and Asher grows up as an only child. Of course there are other options, such as adoption, but I just cannot imagine never being pregnant again. It breaks my heart thinking of never again having that excitement of seeing a positive pregnancy test, never again hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time, never again feeling the baby move and watch my belly grow and grow! I don't know if I can accept that. Being pregnant (both times) were some of the happiest times of my life! The anticipation and love I felt, it's indescribable! But this path leads to a safe place. A place where I know everything is going to be okay. I have my husband and I have my perfect little boy...they are my everything, so why doesn't it feel like we are complete?

But there are so many "what ifs" if we decide venture on to have another baby. I have Asher to think about now. What if I end up on bedrest for months? What if the baby ends up in the hospital for months? Is that fair to it fair to put him through that just because I want another baby? And what about the baby. What if the baby is born early or has complications? Is that fair to him/her? I'm scared to try again. I'm scared to ruin the perfect little life we have now. But I'm scared that I will regret not trying again for the rest of my life. How do you make a decision like do you find the right answer? Is there even a right answer? I don't know, I struggle with this continually. I guess all I can do is leave it in God's hands and hope that He shines His light down the right path for our family. Right now, I know I need to focus on my amazing little son. He astounds me daily and I love him more than life. I am so grateful to have such a profound little human with me every day to brighten up my world. I love Asher and I hope that no matter what choice is made, he will always love us too and will never feel upset, abandoned, or unloved.

Okay okay, enough of my whine-fest....speaking of adding to our family, we got a new puppy. We wanted Asher to have a "best friend" to grow up with so we got a little Golden Retriever puppy last Sunday. She is 7 weeks old (almost 8) and is the cutest little thing. We had a hard time naming her so we let Asher pick a name from our ideas out of a hat and he picked Pearl! It fits perfectly. Hopefully they will be best buds. I know I always loved having animals on the farm. A loving pet can add so much to a family....we already know that from our sweet little Lucy!

Asher and Pearl


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