April 23rd, 2010
It's been 10 days since I found out we're pregnant and I couldn't be happier. I won't deny my extreme paranoia about losing this baby. Every time I go to the bathroom, I pray I don't see any blood. It's probably a little dramatic but I can't help it, there's nothing I want more than this baby!
Just the other day I ordered a fetal doppler machine. I can't wait for it to get here (even though I won't be able to use it for a few weeks). I really hope that it will help me keep my sanity during this pregnancy. I'm so excited to hear our baby's heartbeat. I know it will be an emotional experience.
My first doctor appointment is June 8th. It seems so far off, I hope the time goes by fast. When I talked to the nurse on the phone, I told her about the situation with Gabriel and it sounds like they will be keeping a close watch on me during this pregnancy. I'm glad to hear that this baby will be well taken care of. And being older and wiser, I'm not afraid to ask questions and to be my own advocate this time around.
My biggest obstacle so far, I just need to hold off on my shopping desire. I want to go out and buy baby clothes and gear right now! But I know that I should wait a while longer. I do know that my mom has already been thinking of my big belly though....because she bought me some new scrubs for work. I love my mom!
Okay, that's enough for now....I'm off to go find some breakfast :)
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord :)
Got a BFP on April 13th and then again on the 14th!Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
It's a faint pink line...but it's there! I'm shocked, excited, nervous, overwhelmed, worried, but most of all.......so so very happy and blessed!
I've never been so happy or excited about something in my whole life. I hope and pray that things go well this time around and we will be holding a precious little bundle in 9 months. If my calculations are correct, that means the baby is due Decemeber 23rd, 2010. What an amazing Christmas gift this will be. Please pray that it sticks!
God is Good!
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Waiting Game
April 11th, 2010
It's the final couple of days and I'm so nervous. I just really, really want to see two pink lines! I just don't know much more disappointment I can take. Seems like every day I hear about a new person that is pregnant. I'm happy for them but so jealous. Somedays I just want to hide myself from the rest of the world and not come out until I have a little one in my arms. This world has been way too cruel in the past few years. I think it's about time for us to catch a break!
There's nothing I can do now but pray!
It's the final couple of days and I'm so nervous. I just really, really want to see two pink lines! I just don't know much more disappointment I can take. Seems like every day I hear about a new person that is pregnant. I'm happy for them but so jealous. Somedays I just want to hide myself from the rest of the world and not come out until I have a little one in my arms. This world has been way too cruel in the past few years. I think it's about time for us to catch a break!
There's nothing I can do now but pray!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Happy Easter Weekend!
It's Easter weekend! A time to remember the love of our Savior Jesus Christ who died on the cross for our sins. To rejoice in that he rose again from the dead and is in Heaven, waiting there for us with open arms. Easter is the reason we don't have to fear death, because we can know that we are saved and that we will meet our God at the gates of Heaven when our time on earth is over. It's a beautiful time to Praise the Lord!
Unfortunately, I'm spending my Easter weekend alone at work. I wish that I could be at home and spend time with my family but I can't complain, at least I'm making holiday pay! :)
In closing, there is one thing I ask today of anyone who reads this blog. I ask today that you pray for my friend's family. Her baby boy Phineas passed away last night. He was only a few days old. It's a heartbreaking situation and my heart goes out to their family! I know what it's like to experience the loss of a precious son and I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy. This family is wonderful and they deserve nothing but the best things in life. I'm devastated by this news and will keep their family in my every prayer. If you're reading this, please do the same!
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
Friday, March 26, 2010
April showers, bring on the baby-makin' powers!?
March 26th, 2010
Wow, it's been a long week! Monday started off with an upset GI tract and a woozy head. All day I felt like I could faint. Tuesday, things were a little better. Wednesday night, came a little fever and a very sore throat with those ugly pus spots in the back. Thursday, I stayed home from work hoping some sleep would help. Today is Friday and guess what, still not feeling 100%. My throat isn't quite as sore but now comes the splitting headaches and the runny nose. Fun stuff! I've stayed in bed most of the day and hopefully I can kick this thing by the end of the weekend.
April is on it's way and I'm hoping and praying that this is our month. Wouldn't it be fun to have a Christmas baby? I think so! Unfortunately, Danny and I won't see each other for 4 days over Easter because I have to work the holiday and he's going home. Hopefully that won't hinder our chances. No matter what happens, I'm just excited for spring to be here! I love that the temperatures are warming up and that the snow is melting. I can't wait to see green grass and trees in bloom! Spring is the season of new beginnings, I can't help but think maybe it will bring a new beginning for us too!
Wow, it's been a long week! Monday started off with an upset GI tract and a woozy head. All day I felt like I could faint. Tuesday, things were a little better. Wednesday night, came a little fever and a very sore throat with those ugly pus spots in the back. Thursday, I stayed home from work hoping some sleep would help. Today is Friday and guess what, still not feeling 100%. My throat isn't quite as sore but now comes the splitting headaches and the runny nose. Fun stuff! I've stayed in bed most of the day and hopefully I can kick this thing by the end of the weekend.
April is on it's way and I'm hoping and praying that this is our month. Wouldn't it be fun to have a Christmas baby? I think so! Unfortunately, Danny and I won't see each other for 4 days over Easter because I have to work the holiday and he's going home. Hopefully that won't hinder our chances. No matter what happens, I'm just excited for spring to be here! I love that the temperatures are warming up and that the snow is melting. I can't wait to see green grass and trees in bloom! Spring is the season of new beginnings, I can't help but think maybe it will bring a new beginning for us too!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Taking the first REAL steps...
Today is March 21st, 2010. A lot has happened since June of 2006.
My heart was crushed after we lost Gabriel. I began my healing by making a tribute website in his memory. I wrote poems and shared pictures. The website was my way of clearing my mind and my heart. Not long ago, the host site was shut down and my website was lost. Luckily, I had everything saved from the website (except the heartfelt comments from vistors) so it wasn't a complete loss. I've come a long way since the first painful year but there has always been a very empty void in my heart. I've watched many friends and family members bring beautiful, healthy children into their lives and each time, I'm very happy for them, but at the same time I've felt strong feelings of jealousy and resentment. It is still hard for me to hear about the milestones that other people's children are making, especially children that are the same age as Gabriel would be. I still have bad days, days where I cry for hours because I miss my little man. Some people don't understand why this is. But what these people don't understand is, just because I never got to bring my baby home and raise him, doesn't make me any less of a mom. I loved him just like any mother loves their child. I had hopes and dreams for his future, and they were all shattered when he died. But as hard as these "bad days" are, I've come a long way and I'm going to keep moving forward.
We lived in Danny's house in Maddock, ND. In July 2006 we got a puppy which we named Lucy! She has been a Godsend. Lucy has been a great companion and has brought me a lot of happiness. In August, I started working as a secretary at a local courthouse in a nearby small town. I worked there for about 10 months. In June 2007, Danny and I got married. It was such an amazing day. I loved every minute of it. We were very blessed to have so many loved ones come to celebrate with us. We went on our honeymoon in July. We took a road trip all the way to South Carolina. It was interesting....and amazing!
When we got back from our trip, we moved into an apartment in Fargo. Danny got a good job as an electrician and I started my internship to become a Radiologic Technologist. My internship was 24 months and unpaid. Those 2 years were grueling. We had to live off of Danny's income alone, I was stressed to the max with school, and in the back of my mind, all I could think of was having another baby. Danny, being the reasonable man he is, was the voice of logic. He knew we couldn't support a baby while I was in school. I fought him on it all the time. All I had to go on was my feelings, I let my emotions get in the way of what was right. Fortunately, Danny put up with my irrational behavior and he stood his ground. At the time, I was upset at him for it, but looking back, I can see he was only doing what was best for us and our future children. Thank God I have such a smart and supportive husband! And thankfully, he didn't drop me off at the insane asylum ;)
In May of 2008, we added another little furball to our family. We figured Lucy needed a friend while we were away during the days so we got a cat which we named Tucker. They are now best friends. It's neat to see such a strong companionship between a dog and a cat. Animals really are incredible beings! After a miserable and trying 2 years, I graduated from my internship in August of 2009 and began my search for a job. Danny held strong to his feelings about not trying to have a baby before I was working, so I was desperate. I needed a job...now! After what seemed like forever (3 months), I found a great job and am now working in Minnesota as a Radiologic Technologist. I finally have good health insurance and my paychecks equal more than a hundred bucks. And guess what, I love my job!
So now, over 3 years later, Danny has finally decided we could start thinking about adding a little one to our family. YAY! I can't explain how excited I am at the idea. This will be our 4th month "trying" and still, no luck. It's frustrating because I'm a very impatient person. I want what I want now and am very bad at waiting any longer. But hopefully, our time will come (soon) and we will be blessed with a healthy, happy little bundle of joy! And here is where we start our new chapter in life.....in may get a bit bumpy, but I'm sure it will be worth the ride!
My heart was crushed after we lost Gabriel. I began my healing by making a tribute website in his memory. I wrote poems and shared pictures. The website was my way of clearing my mind and my heart. Not long ago, the host site was shut down and my website was lost. Luckily, I had everything saved from the website (except the heartfelt comments from vistors) so it wasn't a complete loss. I've come a long way since the first painful year but there has always been a very empty void in my heart. I've watched many friends and family members bring beautiful, healthy children into their lives and each time, I'm very happy for them, but at the same time I've felt strong feelings of jealousy and resentment. It is still hard for me to hear about the milestones that other people's children are making, especially children that are the same age as Gabriel would be. I still have bad days, days where I cry for hours because I miss my little man. Some people don't understand why this is. But what these people don't understand is, just because I never got to bring my baby home and raise him, doesn't make me any less of a mom. I loved him just like any mother loves their child. I had hopes and dreams for his future, and they were all shattered when he died. But as hard as these "bad days" are, I've come a long way and I'm going to keep moving forward.
We lived in Danny's house in Maddock, ND. In July 2006 we got a puppy which we named Lucy! She has been a Godsend. Lucy has been a great companion and has brought me a lot of happiness. In August, I started working as a secretary at a local courthouse in a nearby small town. I worked there for about 10 months. In June 2007, Danny and I got married. It was such an amazing day. I loved every minute of it. We were very blessed to have so many loved ones come to celebrate with us. We went on our honeymoon in July. We took a road trip all the way to South Carolina. It was interesting....and amazing!
When we got back from our trip, we moved into an apartment in Fargo. Danny got a good job as an electrician and I started my internship to become a Radiologic Technologist. My internship was 24 months and unpaid. Those 2 years were grueling. We had to live off of Danny's income alone, I was stressed to the max with school, and in the back of my mind, all I could think of was having another baby. Danny, being the reasonable man he is, was the voice of logic. He knew we couldn't support a baby while I was in school. I fought him on it all the time. All I had to go on was my feelings, I let my emotions get in the way of what was right. Fortunately, Danny put up with my irrational behavior and he stood his ground. At the time, I was upset at him for it, but looking back, I can see he was only doing what was best for us and our future children. Thank God I have such a smart and supportive husband! And thankfully, he didn't drop me off at the insane asylum ;)
In May of 2008, we added another little furball to our family. We figured Lucy needed a friend while we were away during the days so we got a cat which we named Tucker. They are now best friends. It's neat to see such a strong companionship between a dog and a cat. Animals really are incredible beings! After a miserable and trying 2 years, I graduated from my internship in August of 2009 and began my search for a job. Danny held strong to his feelings about not trying to have a baby before I was working, so I was desperate. I needed a job...now! After what seemed like forever (3 months), I found a great job and am now working in Minnesota as a Radiologic Technologist. I finally have good health insurance and my paychecks equal more than a hundred bucks. And guess what, I love my job!
So now, over 3 years later, Danny has finally decided we could start thinking about adding a little one to our family. YAY! I can't explain how excited I am at the idea. This will be our 4th month "trying" and still, no luck. It's frustrating because I'm a very impatient person. I want what I want now and am very bad at waiting any longer. But hopefully, our time will come (soon) and we will be blessed with a healthy, happy little bundle of joy! And here is where we start our new chapter in life.....in may get a bit bumpy, but I'm sure it will be worth the ride!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
We Will Never Forget
March 20th, 2010
If you've read my first post, you'll know the inspiration for this blog is obviously our son, Gabriel. He was our peanut and we love him and miss him dearly. Sure, it's been almost 4 years since we said goodbye to our precious baby boy, but goodbye doesn't erase a memory. Not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about our son. I wonder what he would be like today. Would he look like his daddy? Maybe he would be a momma's boy (I'd be okay with that). I wonder what his laugh would sound like. What would be his favorite games to play? Would he be a picky eater? I bet he would love animals, cars and music just like his parents. And I know I would cherish every hug and kiss!
But don't worry, I'm not going to drown you all in my suffering. I had to share where I started, in the darkest hours of my life, for anyone to fully understand where I'm going now. I want to share with you my journey of recovery. I want a place to write while I pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together again. The intention of my blog is not to be depressing, but instead, uplifting. Hopefully that will be the case. If I fail, I apologize. I can't promise where my life will lead and I have no way of knowing if things will go the way I want them to. But I will remain hopeful and carry on with a positive outlook, because I do know that I deserve happiness! We all do.
I chose the title "An Elephant Never Forgets" because elephants have a strong memory. It has been proven that elephants remember their family members that they have been separated from for decades. Also, elephants mourn for the death of their companions and have been known to come back to the bones of a lost one and "say goodbye" by touching and feeling the bones. An elephant truly never forgets, and as I move forward, neither will I.
If you've read my first post, you'll know the inspiration for this blog is obviously our son, Gabriel. He was our peanut and we love him and miss him dearly. Sure, it's been almost 4 years since we said goodbye to our precious baby boy, but goodbye doesn't erase a memory. Not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about our son. I wonder what he would be like today. Would he look like his daddy? Maybe he would be a momma's boy (I'd be okay with that). I wonder what his laugh would sound like. What would be his favorite games to play? Would he be a picky eater? I bet he would love animals, cars and music just like his parents. And I know I would cherish every hug and kiss!
But don't worry, I'm not going to drown you all in my suffering. I had to share where I started, in the darkest hours of my life, for anyone to fully understand where I'm going now. I want to share with you my journey of recovery. I want a place to write while I pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together again. The intention of my blog is not to be depressing, but instead, uplifting. Hopefully that will be the case. If I fail, I apologize. I can't promise where my life will lead and I have no way of knowing if things will go the way I want them to. But I will remain hopeful and carry on with a positive outlook, because I do know that I deserve happiness! We all do.
I chose the title "An Elephant Never Forgets" because elephants have a strong memory. It has been proven that elephants remember their family members that they have been separated from for decades. Also, elephants mourn for the death of their companions and have been known to come back to the bones of a lost one and "say goodbye" by touching and feeling the bones. An elephant truly never forgets, and as I move forward, neither will I.
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