Sunday, March 21, 2010

Taking the first REAL steps...

Today is March 21st, 2010. A lot has happened since June of 2006.

My heart was crushed after we lost Gabriel. I began my healing by making a tribute website in his memory. I wrote poems and shared pictures. The website was my way of clearing my mind and my heart. Not long ago, the host site was shut down and my website was lost. Luckily, I had everything saved from the website (except the heartfelt comments from vistors) so it wasn't a complete loss. I've come a long way since the first painful year but there has always been a very empty void in my heart. I've watched many friends and family members bring beautiful, healthy children into their lives and each time, I'm very happy for them, but at the same time I've felt strong feelings of jealousy and resentment. It is still hard for me to hear about the milestones that other people's children are making, especially children that are the same age as Gabriel would be. I still have bad days, days where I cry for hours because I miss my little man. Some people don't understand why this is. But what these people don't understand is, just because I never got to bring my baby home and raise him, doesn't make me any less of a mom. I loved him just like any mother loves their child. I had hopes and dreams for his future, and they were all shattered when he died. But as hard as these "bad days" are, I've come a long way and I'm going to keep moving forward.

We lived in Danny's house in Maddock, ND. In July 2006 we got a puppy which we named Lucy! She has been a Godsend. Lucy has been a great companion and has brought me a lot of happiness. In August, I started working as a secretary at a local courthouse in a nearby small town. I worked there for about 10 months. In June 2007, Danny and I got married. It was such an amazing day. I loved every minute of it. We were very blessed to have so many loved ones come to celebrate with us. We went on our honeymoon in July. We took a road trip all the way to South Carolina. It was interesting....and amazing!

When we got back from our trip, we moved into an apartment in Fargo. Danny got a good job as an electrician and I started my internship to become a Radiologic Technologist. My internship was 24 months and unpaid. Those 2 years were grueling. We had to live off of Danny's income alone, I was stressed to the max with school, and in the back of my mind, all I could think of was having another baby. Danny, being the reasonable man he is, was the voice of logic. He knew we couldn't support a baby while I was in school. I fought him on it all the time. All I had to go on was my feelings, I let my emotions get in the way of what was right. Fortunately, Danny put up with my irrational behavior and he stood his ground. At the time, I was upset at him for it, but looking back, I can see he was only doing what was best for us and our future children. Thank God I have such a smart and supportive husband! And thankfully, he didn't drop me off at the insane asylum ;)

In May of 2008, we added another little furball to our family. We figured Lucy needed a friend while we were away during the days so we got a cat which we named Tucker. They are now best friends. It's neat to see such a strong companionship between a dog and a cat. Animals really are incredible beings! After a miserable and trying 2 years, I graduated from my internship in August of 2009 and began my search for a job. Danny held strong to his feelings about not trying to have a baby before I was working, so I was desperate. I needed a! After what seemed like forever (3 months), I found a great job and am now working in Minnesota as a Radiologic Technologist. I finally have good health insurance and my paychecks equal more than a hundred bucks. And guess what, I love my job!

So now, over 3 years later, Danny has finally decided we could start thinking about adding a little one to our family. YAY! I can't explain how excited I am at the idea. This will be our 4th month "trying" and still, no luck. It's frustrating because I'm a very impatient person. I want what I want now and am very bad at waiting any longer. But hopefully, our time will come (soon) and we will be blessed with a healthy, happy little bundle of joy! And here is where we start our new chapter in may get a bit bumpy, but I'm sure it will be worth the ride!


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