F I V E

June 3rd, 2011

Five years ago today we said goodbye to our first born son before we even got to say hello.

It was a Thursday when I found out. It was June 1st and I was heading for my prenatal appointment, thinking it would be just like any other prenatal appointment I had previously went to. There wasn't a thought in my mind that anything would or could be wrong. I would see the doctor, I would get to hear the baby's heartbeat and I would be on my merry way. I was oblivious. I took the idea that I was going to have a baby in July and raise it to adulthood for granted. I took my baby for granted, as most everyone does during pregnancy, it's human nature...

When the doctor didn't find the baby's heartbeat, I was floored. He had such an easy time finding it at my previous appointments. What on earth is going on?! I was sent for an ultrasound which confirmed my worst fears! My baby had passed away. It took just one small moment to shatter my life. All of my dreams for the future, everything I was looking forward to for the rest of my days crumbled in front of me. I was left with nothing....nothing but a lifeless baby inside of my womb and a dark and empty heart! I cried. There was nothing I could do. I felt numb, I felt hopeless, I felt angry and sad and confused. And all I could do was cry....

I was sent home that night with the plan to come in the next morning to deliver my first born, 7 weeks early, and not living. Thinking back on it, I still can't grasp the emotion of having to deliver a lifeless child. Knowing that once the baby came out, we wouldn't get to take it home to love and raise. I wasn't ready to go through labor and to deliver a baby. I hadn't prepared myself for it yet. This wasn't supposed to be happening for almost 2 months. I was stricken with such grief...I couldn't sleep. I prayed for this to be a nightmare, that I would wake up and everything would be okay. By the next morning I was already exhausted emotionally.

We went to Grand Forks were I was given a room and met my doctor. I was still in denial, I didn't want to believe that my baby was gone. We had another ultrasound in GF done just for closure sake. We also met with a bereavement lady. Her name was Toni. I remember her well. She gave me books and brochures, poems and stories, and a teddy bear...all meant to help but at the time, it didn't. I was induced and went through labor just like anyone else would. I had strong contractions and a lot of back labor which was agonizing. But nothing was as painful as the realization that I wouldn't be giving birth to a living baby. By the time I was supposed to push, I was so physically and emotionally drained that most everything was a blur. I do remember it being painful but that as soon as the baby was out, my body relaxed. I remember the doctor telling us that we had a baby boy. My son. My beautiful little son. I knew in my heart all along that he was a boy...and I loved him. I held him close to me and cried, wishing that God would change his mind and my tiny son would cry out. I looked at his perfect face, his bitty little hands and feet, he was a perfect angel. I don't know how long I held him but I know I didn't want to ever let him go. I don't know how I ever did...I must have been too tired to hold him any longer. And then he was gone.

They did an autopsy which proved that he was perfectly healthy. He didn't have any birth defects or congenital problems. There was no reason he should have died. I had a hard time accepting it. There are still times, five years later that I still struggle with it. They say that time heals pain and it is true, the acute pain rarely comes around (except for days like today). But there is always an ache in my heart. There hasn't been one day since he left us that I haven't thought about him. Not one.

Gabriel Hermanson, my little peanut, my first born son; you will always have a huge place in my heart. I miss you every day. Because of you, I have learned to not take life for granted. You are the reason I can cherish every moment with Asher. Asher Mitchell is my rainbow baby, my something beautiful after the storm. I would not be the mother I am today if it weren't for you. You taught me life's greatest lessons, to live each day with no regrets and to live in the moment! You are beautiful and perfect. I wish with every ounce of my being that I could know you, that I could see your precious little face and hear your enchanting little laugh. But I am thankful that you are my son and I wouldn't change it for anything. I love you. Happy 5th birthday my angel!