Stress

August 27th, 2011

Yesterday I had a stressful day. It wasn't anything overly hectic, just lots of little things that added up. Worst part of it all, my dishwasher is broken. UGH! Hand washing dishes is soooo not fun and not easy with a little rugrat demanding my attention. Anyway, this post isn't really about my mildly stressful day yesterday...it's about something bigger. Something that I think a day like yesterday made me realize.

The past 6 years, Danny and I have had more stress than any early to mid twenties person should have. It's been constant, starting with the unthinkable death of a great friend/brother in October of 2005. Then came preparing for an unexpected baby and then losing him in June 2006. After planning a funeral that no one should ever have to plan, we started planning a wedding and then made a move to Fargo for my hellish internship. I don't regret moving to Fargo because I met some wonderful people through my schooling and my job in Breckenridge, but Fargo itself stressed me out! And finally the complicated, worrisome pregnancy and scary birth of Asher tops the cake. And there were other things going on that I haven't even mentioned here, like normal everyday worries. The immense stress felt continual for years. I don't think I ever had a chance to really seriously consider it and take it all in.

Now that life is finally stable, steady and has slowed down a little bit on the crazy train.....I feel like all of that stress that has just been building up and pushing me along has come to a halt and is finally just resting on my shoulders. During the day when I'm with Asher, I don't notice it at all. He keeps me busy and entertained. But when he goes to bed and it's quiet, I just feel like curling up in bed and crying. I'm not sure why. I'm not unhappy, I love my life. I love my husband, my son, my family, our new home...everything. But when I'm alone, I feel it...I feel very lonely. I feel like no one understands where I've been and where I'm going. I feel distanced from some people that I care about and I'm not sure if I am the one who has distanced myself or if these people have distanced themselves from me after the last few years. I know I've changed. I'm definitely not the same person I was before I got pregnant with and lost Gabriel. And I've even changed more since having Asher. I think I've accepted that I will never get over Gabriel's death and that I will never be the same person I was before it happened. And now that I have Asher, he is my #1 priority. That's how it's supposed to be and that's okay. But can other people accept that? Or have they and I'm just blind to it? I can't reach out because I don't know how. I feel like no one understands me.

I just hope that the mountain of years of stress that has piled on top of me starts to lift and I can breathe again when I'm alone. It's a sad place to be and I hate being in that dark place. I want to find peace within myself. I need to climb out from under all of this. Help!