In God's Hands

September 21st, 2010

Yesterday morning I had a meltdown. On Saturday, baby was very active and has been on and off for the past few weeks. It's those "off" moments that get me worried. Sunday baby was active but not like on Saturday, and Monday morning, I had hardly felt a thing. I was at work and just lost it. I felt bad for my poor co-workers, having to deal with this emotional, hormonal wreck of a woman. Luckily, my mind was set to ease shortly thereafter and I got through the rest of the day. I'm very blessed to work with such understanding people who realize that the next 3 months are going to suck for me. I'm probably going to be a freak-out queen, but they expect it and will let me do what I have to do!

Here's the thing. As the time goes on, as that 33 week mark gets closer, the more I start to worry. Losing a baby is heartbreaking, at any stage. I would be so hurt to lose a baby at any time, but I think I could accept it in the first trimester. Being this far, I would be devastated. I dealt with it once. I think I've handled Gabriel's death with grace, I've been strong and I've made my way through the past few years. However, I really don't know if I could do it again. The thought frightens me...it chills every bone in my body until I feel numb. It's unfathomable, yet it's not impossible. I know that worrying is not going to help anything. And I'm trying very hard to be optimistic. Pregnancy is supposed to be a joyful experience. So, today I've become motivated to do better, for my own mental health and for the health of my child. I am filled with hope! My outlook is going to be a positive one. I am putting this in God's hands and He will guide me through this!

Prayers are always welcome. I believe in the power of prayer and I appreciate them very much! I am blessed to have such an amazing support system. Thanks to my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and even complete strangers who wish us well. The positivity is all around us....God is working and He is great!