Saturday, August 27, 2011


August 27th, 2011

Yesterday I had a stressful day. It wasn't anything overly hectic, just lots of little things that added up. Worst part of it all, my dishwasher is broken. UGH! Hand washing dishes is soooo not fun and not easy with a little rugrat demanding my attention. Anyway, this post isn't really about my mildly stressful day's about something bigger. Something that I think a day like yesterday made me realize.

The past 6 years, Danny and I have had more stress than any early to mid twenties person should have. It's been constant, starting with the unthinkable death of a great friend/brother in October of 2005. Then came preparing for an unexpected baby and then losing him in June 2006. After planning a funeral that no one should ever have to plan, we started planning a wedding and then made a move to Fargo for my hellish internship. I don't regret moving to Fargo because I met some wonderful people through my schooling and my job in Breckenridge, but Fargo itself stressed me out! And finally the complicated, worrisome pregnancy and scary birth of Asher tops the cake. And there were other things going on that I haven't even mentioned here, like normal everyday worries. The immense stress felt continual for years. I don't think I ever had a chance to really seriously consider it and take it all in.

Now that life is finally stable, steady and has slowed down a little bit on the crazy train.....I feel like all of that stress that has just been building up and pushing me along has come to a halt and is finally just resting on my shoulders. During the day when I'm with Asher, I don't notice it at all. He keeps me busy and entertained. But when he goes to bed and it's quiet, I just feel like curling up in bed and crying. I'm not sure why. I'm not unhappy, I love my life. I love my husband, my son, my family, our new home...everything. But when I'm alone, I feel it...I feel very lonely. I feel like no one understands where I've been and where I'm going. I feel distanced from some people that I care about and I'm not sure if I am the one who has distanced myself or if these people have distanced themselves from me after the last few years. I know I've changed. I'm definitely not the same person I was before I got pregnant with and lost Gabriel. And I've even changed more since having Asher. I think I've accepted that I will never get over Gabriel's death and that I will never be the same person I was before it happened. And now that I have Asher, he is my #1 priority. That's how it's supposed to be and that's okay. But can other people accept that? Or have they and I'm just blind to it? I can't reach out because I don't know how. I feel like no one understands me.

I just hope that the mountain of years of stress that has piled on top of me starts to lift and I can breathe again when I'm alone. It's a sad place to be and I hate being in that dark place. I want to find peace within myself. I need to climb out from under all of this. Help!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Oh beautiful, crazy son of mine!

August 24th, 2011

I must start by saying that I feel so so very blessed to have Asher in my life. He brightens my day and I don't know what I would do without him. This is just a taste of a day in the life of Asher and mommy. Lets start with the morning. At 7:00 a.m. I wake up to this sweet little boy standing in his crib, waiting for me to come pick him up, his beautiful face smiling ear to ear when I finally enter his room. I change his diaper and feed him his morning bottle. Then, we plop down on the floor and watch some Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and I have my morning cup of coffee. Asher's favorite part is the Hot Dog dance for which he drops anything he's doing to stare intently at the screen. I'm sure it won't be long before he starts dancing right along. Then, we play with toys for awhile until he starts to get sleepy. I know when it's time for his morning nap just from the look in his eyes. I rock him and hum his favorite tune and before long, he's dozing off in my arms. I lay him down in his crib and go try to get a few things done while he's asleep (aka, eat breakfast, feed the cats, play with the dogs...ya know, the important things.)

About an hour later, I hear some rustling coming from the back room and sure enough, my little pumpkin is awake, playing with his blanket! I walk in and ask "what are you doing silly?" which is returned by a huge grin and squeal! We go to the kitchen and I strap him into his highchair. It's time for some food which usually turns into a huge mess. Today, Asher got his first taste of homemade pizza...he loved it! For dessert, some bananas. We are just learning how to use a sippy cup which he is doing remarkably well with actually. Now it's time to change another diaper and get dressed for the day. This has become quite the process since Asher has started to move. It usually goes something like this....lay him down and take off his dirty diaper. He rolls over and crawls away mid-wipe. I grab him and lay him back down, finish wiping him and get one side of the new diaper snapped...he rolls over and crawls away. I grab him again and finish the other side of the diaper in an awkward position because he won't lay back down. He squirms away while I'm reaching for his clothes. I go get him and fight to get his shirt on. I try to lay him back down to put on his shorts but he won't have any of again, we put his shorts on in a very awkward fashion, but it works, he's dressed!

Ready for the day we go outside with Lucy and Pearl. Asher goes for a stroller ride around the yard. We go look at the garden and the apple trees. Then we pick a nice shady spot and take a seat. The dogs play with each other and Asher reaches for the wheels of the stoller. He will play with anything that has wheels. After he gets bored with that, he starts pulling grass and trying to eat it. I tell him NO several times and try to distract him with his toys. He stops, looks up at me, hand full of grass, smiles and tries to eat it anyway. This carries on for a good 20-30 mins. Yesterday, he got a piece of grass up his nose. He didn't know what to think. He rubbed his nose and sneezed (and then laughed because he always laughs after he sneezes.) Then we go to get the mail!

We go inside and I try to find something to eat for lunch. Of course, Asher can't be left out when someone is eating so he has a snack while I eat. Then, we play on the floor. By play I mean, he crawls all over, usually to the dogs' dishes and I follow him around, intercepting things that he shouldn't be playing with. After awhile, I see him getting sleepy again so I make a bottle and he takes his afternoon nap. When he wakes up we usually play for awhile, go outside or sometimes even go visit daddy out in the field or grandma at her house. If we're driving, he usually does his screaming thing...which isn't a cry-like scream but more of a "I just do this because I like to hear my own voice" type of deal. It sounds cute, but really, it's not after awhile! After supper, it's bathtime. Asher looooooooves his bath. He gets so excited when he sees me start the water to fill up the tub. His new favorite thing is to try and stand up in the tub, which is a little scary. Hard surface + slippery does not equal something nice. Last night, I was adding a little more warm water and he was trying to grab it as it was coming from the faucet. Both hands were go go going and he just could not figure out why he couldn't get ahold of it. It was adorable, I wish I would have had a video camera.

When we're all done, I wrap him up in a snuggly towel and he always smiles at himself when we walk past the mirror. You can almost imagine what it's like trying to get him dressed into his jammies after his bath...nearly impossible so he usually goes on with his evening naked for awhile. If I'm lucky, I will get a diaper on him. After playing tractors or building blocks (I build, he destroys), around 8:00 p.m. it's time to get ready for bed. I can tell because he starts getting fussy and clingy. He gets a fresh diaper, I somehow get his jammies on, and we grab his bottle and head for his room (yes, I still hold him and rock him to sleep...I cherish the snuggle time.) Most nights, he goes right to sleep after the bottle is all gone but sometimes he is restless and doesn't want to give in. He plays with my face, pulls my hair, giggles and smiles, and squirms to get free. I try so hard to keep a straight face but I just can't. He's just too damn cute and I usually giggle right along with him. Finally, his eyes get droopy and his head slowly starts to hang and rest on my shoulder. I kiss his little bald head and whisper I love you in his ear before putting him down and leaving the room. My little monkey is down for the night. I always check on him before heading to bed myself but usually I don't hear a peep from him again until 7:00 a.m. when the next beautiful, wonderful day starts! Of course, every day is a little different and Asher surprises me daily with the new things he learns and I cherish each and every moment. I wanted to write down what a day with him is like at this stage for my own reference because I know it's going to be over soon and he will just keep growing growing growing (which is awesome!) and I can't wait to experience each age! The moral of the story is..........Asher rocks! :)

Friday, August 19, 2011

Adding to the internal struggle with myself

August 19th, 2011

Family of five. That's what I always pictured having growing up, just like my family. I thought it was perfect and I never in my wildest dreams expected my life to go as it has. It never crossed my mind that my first born child would pass away and leave me with empty arms. There were no thoughts about pregnancy complications, premature births, and Neo-natal intensive care units. I thought I would get married, have three kids, and that was that. It's funny how naive you are when you are young and have no life experience. Even though it hurts, you expect that you will someday bury your grandparents and eventually, your own parents but you never imagine burying your child. Our son Gabriel lies in the ground, north of a tiny town called Harlow, on a hill where it's cold and windy most of the time. There are no words to describe the anguish I feel thinking about it. The thought of it still takes my breath away. Now, we have our second son, Asher! Our beautiful little miracle means more to me than I can ever express but he didn't come easily either. After a stressful pregnancy tormented by complications, he was born nearly 6 weeks early and spent his first 27 days in the hospital, withstanding numerous painful tests and hooked up to IVs and monitors. It killed me to see him go through those things, it brings tears to my eyes when I think of it.

So now, I have come to a very difficult fork in the road. There are two main paths and they both have potential hazardous and heart-wrenching obstacles. This is my internal struggle. If we decide to take the path of stopping now, after two very difficult pregnancies, I end up short of my dream and Asher grows up as an only child. Of course there are other options, such as adoption, but I just cannot imagine never being pregnant again. It breaks my heart thinking of never again having that excitement of seeing a positive pregnancy test, never again hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time, never again feeling the baby move and watch my belly grow and grow! I don't know if I can accept that. Being pregnant (both times) were some of the happiest times of my life! The anticipation and love I felt, it's indescribable! But this path leads to a safe place. A place where I know everything is going to be okay. I have my husband and I have my perfect little boy...they are my everything, so why doesn't it feel like we are complete?

But there are so many "what ifs" if we decide venture on to have another baby. I have Asher to think about now. What if I end up on bedrest for months? What if the baby ends up in the hospital for months? Is that fair to it fair to put him through that just because I want another baby? And what about the baby. What if the baby is born early or has complications? Is that fair to him/her? I'm scared to try again. I'm scared to ruin the perfect little life we have now. But I'm scared that I will regret not trying again for the rest of my life. How do you make a decision like do you find the right answer? Is there even a right answer? I don't know, I struggle with this continually. I guess all I can do is leave it in God's hands and hope that He shines His light down the right path for our family. Right now, I know I need to focus on my amazing little son. He astounds me daily and I love him more than life. I am so grateful to have such a profound little human with me every day to brighten up my world. I love Asher and I hope that no matter what choice is made, he will always love us too and will never feel upset, abandoned, or unloved.

Okay okay, enough of my whine-fest....speaking of adding to our family, we got a new puppy. We wanted Asher to have a "best friend" to grow up with so we got a little Golden Retriever puppy last Sunday. She is 7 weeks old (almost 8) and is the cutest little thing. We had a hard time naming her so we let Asher pick a name from our ideas out of a hat and he picked Pearl! It fits perfectly. Hopefully they will be best buds. I know I always loved having animals on the farm. A loving pet can add so much to a family....we already know that from our sweet little Lucy!

Asher and Pearl

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