Friday, March 26, 2010

April showers, bring on the baby-makin' powers!?

March 26th, 2010

Wow, it's been a long week! Monday started off with an upset GI tract and a woozy head. All day I felt like I could faint. Tuesday, things were a little better. Wednesday night, came a little fever and a very sore throat with those ugly pus spots in the back. Thursday, I stayed home from work hoping some sleep would help. Today is Friday and guess what, still not feeling 100%. My throat isn't quite as sore but now comes the splitting headaches and the runny nose. Fun stuff! I've stayed in bed most of the day and hopefully I can kick this thing by the end of the weekend.

April is on it's way and I'm hoping and praying that this is our month. Wouldn't it be fun to have a Christmas baby? I think so! Unfortunately, Danny and I won't see each other for 4 days over Easter because I have to work the holiday and he's going home. Hopefully that won't hinder our chances. No matter what happens, I'm just excited for spring to be here! I love that the temperatures are warming up and that the snow is melting. I can't wait to see green grass and trees in bloom! Spring is the season of new beginnings, I can't help but think maybe it will bring a new beginning for us too!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Taking the first REAL steps...

Today is March 21st, 2010. A lot has happened since June of 2006.

My heart was crushed after we lost Gabriel. I began my healing by making a tribute website in his memory. I wrote poems and shared pictures. The website was my way of clearing my mind and my heart. Not long ago, the host site was shut down and my website was lost. Luckily, I had everything saved from the website (except the heartfelt comments from vistors) so it wasn't a complete loss. I've come a long way since the first painful year but there has always been a very empty void in my heart. I've watched many friends and family members bring beautiful, healthy children into their lives and each time, I'm very happy for them, but at the same time I've felt strong feelings of jealousy and resentment. It is still hard for me to hear about the milestones that other people's children are making, especially children that are the same age as Gabriel would be. I still have bad days, days where I cry for hours because I miss my little man. Some people don't understand why this is. But what these people don't understand is, just because I never got to bring my baby home and raise him, doesn't make me any less of a mom. I loved him just like any mother loves their child. I had hopes and dreams for his future, and they were all shattered when he died. But as hard as these "bad days" are, I've come a long way and I'm going to keep moving forward.

We lived in Danny's house in Maddock, ND. In July 2006 we got a puppy which we named Lucy! She has been a Godsend. Lucy has been a great companion and has brought me a lot of happiness. In August, I started working as a secretary at a local courthouse in a nearby small town. I worked there for about 10 months. In June 2007, Danny and I got married. It was such an amazing day. I loved every minute of it. We were very blessed to have so many loved ones come to celebrate with us. We went on our honeymoon in July. We took a road trip all the way to South Carolina. It was interesting....and amazing!

When we got back from our trip, we moved into an apartment in Fargo. Danny got a good job as an electrician and I started my internship to become a Radiologic Technologist. My internship was 24 months and unpaid. Those 2 years were grueling. We had to live off of Danny's income alone, I was stressed to the max with school, and in the back of my mind, all I could think of was having another baby. Danny, being the reasonable man he is, was the voice of logic. He knew we couldn't support a baby while I was in school. I fought him on it all the time. All I had to go on was my feelings, I let my emotions get in the way of what was right. Fortunately, Danny put up with my irrational behavior and he stood his ground. At the time, I was upset at him for it, but looking back, I can see he was only doing what was best for us and our future children. Thank God I have such a smart and supportive husband! And thankfully, he didn't drop me off at the insane asylum ;)

In May of 2008, we added another little furball to our family. We figured Lucy needed a friend while we were away during the days so we got a cat which we named Tucker. They are now best friends. It's neat to see such a strong companionship between a dog and a cat. Animals really are incredible beings! After a miserable and trying 2 years, I graduated from my internship in August of 2009 and began my search for a job. Danny held strong to his feelings about not trying to have a baby before I was working, so I was desperate. I needed a! After what seemed like forever (3 months), I found a great job and am now working in Minnesota as a Radiologic Technologist. I finally have good health insurance and my paychecks equal more than a hundred bucks. And guess what, I love my job!

So now, over 3 years later, Danny has finally decided we could start thinking about adding a little one to our family. YAY! I can't explain how excited I am at the idea. This will be our 4th month "trying" and still, no luck. It's frustrating because I'm a very impatient person. I want what I want now and am very bad at waiting any longer. But hopefully, our time will come (soon) and we will be blessed with a healthy, happy little bundle of joy! And here is where we start our new chapter in may get a bit bumpy, but I'm sure it will be worth the ride!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

We Will Never Forget

March 20th, 2010

If you've read my first post, you'll know the inspiration for this blog is obviously our son, Gabriel. He was our peanut and we love him and miss him dearly. Sure, it's been almost 4 years since we said goodbye to our precious baby boy, but goodbye doesn't erase a memory. Not one day has gone by that I haven't thought about our son. I wonder what he would be like today. Would he look like his daddy? Maybe he would be a momma's boy (I'd be okay with that). I wonder what his laugh would sound like. What would be his favorite games to play? Would he be a picky eater? I bet he would love animals, cars and music just like his parents. And I know I would cherish every hug and kiss!

But don't worry, I'm not going to drown you all in my suffering. I had to share where I started, in the darkest hours of my life, for anyone to fully understand where I'm going now. I want to share with you my journey of recovery. I want a place to write while I pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together again. The intention of my blog is not to be depressing, but instead, uplifting. Hopefully that will be the case. If I fail, I apologize. I can't promise where my life will lead and I have no way of knowing if things will go the way I want them to. But I will remain hopeful and carry on with a positive outlook, because I do know that I deserve happiness! We all do.

I chose the title "An Elephant Never Forgets" because elephants have a strong memory. It has been proven that elephants remember their family members that they have been separated from for decades. Also, elephants mourn for the death of their companions and have been known to come back to the bones of a lost one and "say goodbye" by touching and feeling the bones. An elephant truly never forgets, and as I move forward, neither will I.

Gabriel "Peanut" Hermanson

Written July 2006 (warning: pictures of Gabriel included at bottom of post, may be offensive to some so continue as you wish)

Mommy just had her 21st birthday and the next week she got a surprising gift...a positive pregnancy test!!! Her and Daddy were quite shocked but when the shock wore off, they became very excited to meet you. Everyone was excited to meet you; your grandparents, aunts and uncles, and all of our friends. Mommy went in to get your first picture ever ultrasound at about 12 weeks. You were so cute and small, from that day on you were known as our lil peanut! Every day Daddy would rub Mommy's tummy and ask "How's peaunt doing today?" Mommy's tummy started to grow and grow and Daddy loved to tease her and feel you kick her at night! In May we finally started to do some shopping to get ready for your big arrival in July. Your room was going to be full of cute lil jungle animals...Daddy was going to set up the bassinet in our room soon too!

At the end of May, we took a trip with Daddy's family and you were very active in the car...kicking Mommy's ribs like crazy. A few days later, Mommy went in for a checkup and the doctor couldn't find your heartbeat. Instantly tears came to Mommy's eyes. They sent her in for an ultrasound and there was no movement and no heartbeat...the technician started to cry too. They told Mommy that you had passed away. Mommy was speechless, she just cried...How could this be happening, she had just felt you kick last nite???? Mommy called grandma & grandpa Ahlberg and Daddy too. Daddy rushed to be with Mommy and grandma Ahlberg came as soon as she could. Great aunt Mary came to comfort Mommy while she waited. Everyone was so heartbroken...we only had about 7 weeks to wait!

The next morning Mommy, Daddy, grandma Ahlberg, grandpa Hermanson, and auntie Renae went to the hospital and Mommy was induced. It was the longest day of our lives. Finally at 2:32 a.m. on June 3rd, 2006 you arrived...our precious lil baby boy. 3 lbs 3 oz. and 17 inches long. Mommy held you and we looked over your tiny body with tear filled eyes. You were perfect...perfect lil hands and feet. Everything about you was so perfect except that you weren't breathing and your heart was
n't beating. You had Daddy's blonde hair, handsome just like your dad. We named you Gabriel P. Hermanson. We chose Gabriel because you're our angel up in heaven and your middle initial as P. because you will always be our sweet lil peanut!

We had a memorial service for you the following Friday...we laid you next to your uncle Mitchell. Surely you are in good hands and are being well taken care of. Just know that Mommy cannot wait until the day we meet in heaven and she can rock her lil sweetheart in her arms once again! We will never forget you and will always always love you Gabriel.


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